The "Do 4 U" Epidemic (Prob not super chick friendly)

*this was inspired by a chick in an MFP forum post about her and her husbands issues. And the slew of "you go girl" and "do u" advice that followed. Bad advice for a marriage on the rocks already*

I understand, girls have power now...and thats just precious and all, but lets get serious for a moment. Lets put the PMS and mood swings aside. Lets stop burning our bras and bludgeoning with skillets. Lets just let go of the "take me for-serious" attitudes, get the hands off the hips, the scrunches off the lips, and talk real big girl life for a moment. 

Yes, *pats on head* your super-duper important, your the bestest thing ever, the prettiest and mostest awesome and deserving starlet diva miss thing anyone has ever seen. Ok, now moving on...

Lets pretend for one moment women really did want to be EQUAL to men, and not really better than them (ie - super bitch goddesses that crush their nuts and wallets at the slightest sign of disobedience and improper worship). 

Lets pretend that their feeling, thoughts, etc, actually mean something to women, and that women really did plan on fulfilling the marriage vows. That you do put his needs first, that you are willing to take a bullet for your love. That you do care about something outside of yourself more.

MARRIAGE

Let us explore what I define this UNION to mean, shall we? 

UnIon. UnI....on. (just saying....)

Its a merging, or two ppl into one. I personally (you do not have to agree, but me n' hubs do and that is what matters) think that it means that when two soulmates find each other, that they are eternally bound in love. Being bound together should not be bad, btw. To me marriage is saying "You mean more to me than ANYONE OR ANYTHING ELSE, INCLUDING MYSELF". 

WHY IS IT PUTTING SOMEONE ELSES NEEDS ABOVE YOURS HAS BECOME A BAD THING???????

Why is caring about how they feel or think bad? Why is caring bad? 

I think that the best marriage is one where the largest % of time is you spending making them happy. And they you. Its an exchange. You let go of yourself, and give yourself to them, they let go of themselves, and give them to you. You work to make one another happy, like a ying yang or a RING. A circle of happiness, that keeps going on and on. 

Yes there will be learning periods, where they did not know how to do this right, or that that bothered you. But you just settle it and keep going. 

And you DO NOT ALWAYS HAVE TO WIN AN ARGUMENT OR GET YOUR WAY. Compromise ppl. Its not only part of growing up, its part of love. If you love somebody give a few inches, and try to meet in the middle. Your not losing. Its not a battle! IF YOU THINK ITS A WAR BETWEEN YOU TWO, BATTLES, THEN YOU ARE SEPARATING SIDES AND THATS NOT GOOD. 

It should not be this bratty prideful selfish desire to be right and get what YOU want. It should be about "Whats best for US AS A WHOLE?". 

And lets just be honest here, no matter how much they rock and you love them....

FRIENDS AND FAMILY (PEOPLE REALLY) ARE NOT REALLY GREAT FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP!

Why? I'll tell you. 

Outside opinions, often getting one side, and prone to taking a side. Opinions that are likely not the same as yours (both "yours" not you "yours") They love to delve out advice, and its not often "kiss and make up" advice. And with the high rate and ridiculously common problem of failed or bad (or imperfect) marriages out there, why on earth would you take any outside advice? Advice that is likely tainted by a imperfect relationship? And even in perfect ones, its not "one size fits all". Something can work for one and not another. Thats why we use the "smile and nod" method. You politely accept, listen, smile and nod your head in agreement, but not absorb and ounce of it. 

What else can be trouble? Temptations. Like opposite sex friends..... let us explore that randomly picked topic! 

*not random, it was the issue the girl previously noted at very top was having*

Why do some ppl say that men and women find it hard to be friends? Well, I suppose not ALL do. But lets face it (lets get honest), its mostly an issue that ATTRACTIVE SEXY PEOPLE FACE. The desirable ppl usually realize that it is in fact hard, because ppl want them. They are physically attracted to them, and if on top of that attraction, they are friendly it seems that 2/3's is good enough to egnite a spark. Which is what causes trouble. I honestly am shocked that I have to explain this to people. But I guess that there are people that are less desireable (personality, sexuality, attractiveness) so they might not have had that issue. 

Picture you are in elementary school. You got this bestest buddy that you adore. Bestest buddy and you get in a disagreement. And bestest buddy goes and plays with other kids often while still mad at you. Here is where ppl get confused by tossing up emotional related details. "Insecure" or "Trust issues". 

Think of it in the since of a mouse. A mouse goes to one door and gets zapped, and another and gets cheese. The mouses mind will lead him to avoid the zappy door, and the cheese door will be more appealing. Even if zappy door was a door to its house, family, or freedom. It will choose cheese door. 

Well in bestestbudville, bestest buddies mind is now being conditioned like the mouse. Unpleasant interactions with you, yet pleasant ones with others might lead bud to pick another besty. Being that you have now become an unpleasant thing to deal with. Even if it was just temporary. 

This goes even moreso in life. Because that unpleasantness is often magnified by outsiders words. And also... if sex is not being had, than hormones can lend a hand in exasperating the dilemma. 

ME VS THEM

People seem to have an issue with the "of one mind" part of marriage. They act like that they and their spouse are on separate teams. Like their is a clear winner and loser. This is not suppose to be the case. Honey, if your on separate teams, your both losing in the relationship. 

It also should not have to be him vs your friends, your family, ex lovers, or even a dog. (that works both ways actually). If there was a big battle between you and his mother (very commonly wives and mothers butt heads due to the mother having issues with an idea of being "replaced" or out done by the new women) and this battle got heated, to full on war, would you not demand that he pick between his mother and you? YES! Most women I know have had this issue at one point and made him choose. So why is it okay for you to seperate him from family for your love, but NOT okay for him to say he has issues with friends you have?????? HOW IS THAT FAIR!!!!????

WHY IS IT, THAT IT SEEMS, THAT ONLY US CHICKS GET THE RIGHT TO DEMAND AND COMPLAIN IN RELATIONSHIPS, BUT NOT MEN?????? 

MEN ARE PPPL TOO! Just saying.

Go on pretending your Queen Fantastic, on your throne of Fabulous ruling your kingom of Awesome. Thats fine, strut the walk, squak the talk. Whatever. But if you refuse to see him as a part of your team, and your equal, then your DEPRIVING YOURSELF OF AN AWESOME LOVE.

So I suppose by now, you can guess, I'M NOT A FEMMINIST? True, I'm not down with that. I believe in SPOILING MY MAN ROTTEN! BEYOND ROTTEN! 

In fact, the ones who know us well as a couple have come to make jokes about this. And in his army group I'm dubbed "the cool wife" often jesting he doesn't "desreve" me. Which is bull btw! 

Not all deeds may be as obvious on both sides to outside veiwers, but he has his deeds too. I might spoil him in more obvious ways, but he has my needs well satisfied. 

THINK OF IT LIKE BATTERIES!

You both have batteries (love/needs) that need to stay charged. And imagine it costs energy to fill the others charge. Now they need to do the same to fill your charge. So your eternally charging one another. NO OUTSIDE CHARGING NEEDED. 

This is also why outside advice can not work. Due to how different each person is, pairing two individual ppl together makes for very unique pairing. Not all needs and whatnot work for all ppl. You must learn theirs, keep them charged and teach them yours, so they can charge yours. 

If you do it right, you'll know. There is a euphoria felt when a couples hearts and mind work as one. A sense of fullfilment and completion. 

Now, this is not to say, DONT HAVE FRIENDS, FUN OR FAMILY. Its to say... GET THINGS RIGHT WITH EACH OTHER FIRST, PRIORITIZE OR JUST LET THEM GO AND "DO FOR YOU". YOU CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS AND BE HAPPY. 

Couples can have friends and be happy. If they are a whole heart and mind. If they are a happy couple. 

.... I should prob stop here. I can go on forever!

love ld

Shut Your Mouth

There was a crude "southern" saying that goes "Opinions are like a*holes, everybody has got one"

Now, excusing that, let me make my point. Everyone has something to say about everything, it does not mean you need to listen. Most people are under the impression that THEIR opinion is in fact the RIGHT one. That they know what they are talking about, that their "experience" in said field, or roadside knowledge, will be fitting and helpful to you and your situation.

NOT TRUE!

Take all opinions with a grain of salt. Do not ever follow advice of an average flawed human being. Take heed, listen, keep it in mind. But leave it at that. 

ALWAYS FORM YOUR OWN OPINION, YOUR OWN CONCLUSION. 

------------------------

There are in fact people who inspired this rant. My husband and I get quite interesting responses from others based on our way of handling our marriage. We love each other, and our life together, and neither is unhappy or sees any flaw. However, outsiders opinions vary. Mostly by sex, and who it is they are addressing.

WOMEN will talk to Jacob, and oppose. They do not like him having me be his right hand man/secretary. Handling all bills, paperwork, files, information, and all other icky duties that stress him out. they say he needs to be grown up and independent and handle it himself. Funny to me, I though being married meant being a team and working together for each other and a common goal of happiness, not selfish behavior and self serving independence. 

I find women talking to me, never understand why I go through so much stress and effort for him. "Why are you doing it all, he can do it, he is grown." Acting like I'm being his slave, or he is using me. I think that most women are to worried about liberation, independence, and their own happiness. and to many not worried about their partners happiness. 

MEN talking to Jacob are shocked and jealous, thinking Jacob has it made. Acting like he is spoiled and lucky to find someone who is so concerned with helping him. Complaining, often times, that their spouse or partner would not help them out like that. Even more so if they are single. To them, I am considered "the cool wife". Even with the men talking to me, its the same, "Jacob is a lucky man". 

On the reverse, often times Jacobs "rules" are misunderstood, as are his gifts to me. Outsiders either view him as an overly strict controlling husband, or as a chump for buying me things. 

These misunderstanding are from people only having a few curious pieces of our love puzzle and trying to guess from the few random scattered bits of information they believe they have gathered.  so from there bitter unhappy selfish viewpoints, they often times guess very wrong. 

IT WAS NO SURPRISE TO ME, WHEN I LEARNED SOME OF THE NAY SAYING WOMEN WERE PREVIOUS DIVORCEES. 

With there queenly nagging mouthy attitudes, its not at all strange to learn they disapprove of the way I spoil Jacob. If they approved, I'd think I might be in trouble. Where as the happy wives of strong marriages, as well the husbands, are more inclined to agree "yes, thats exactly how we do it", or "we are the same way". They will usually see our hearts and love in our actions, and see past the outside. More likely to agree with the way we do things, because of seeing why they were done. 

Its no ones business, but I put so much effort into Jacob because I've seen him struggle with stress and unhappiness when he is left to deal with the boring important bs work. Not that it doesn't stress me out as well, but as a couple you should know your strengths, and I handle life stresses as these much better than Jacob. So, since I'm only a house wife, with no children of human origin to care for, why not? I myself am not perfect, I do make mistakes, but Jacob is not quick to criticize since he loathes doing what I'm doing so much. If I was to be working, the more I worked, the more the duties would be split accordingly. 

Its about not only a fair balance, but A HAPPY BALANCE.

You take on what you know you can handle, and that they cannot. Being married works best when you both emphasize each others strengths, and make up for each others weaknesses. Not the other way around. 

IN MY MIND  - the husband is solely responsible 100% for the wife's happiness and care.

and the wife is solely responsible 100% for the husbands happiness and care. 

If you are both using all your power to look after each others happiness, then both are being properly fulfilled and taken care of. And the love and care from another is far more pure than the love of yourself. 

So, while I do not pretend to know everything, and this is merely my opinion and meant to be taken equally with a grain of salt, I still feel the need to clear up my thoughts on the matter. 

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART.

XOXO

LD