Monday, July 4, 2011

Flattery Gets You Somewhere... But Where?

Morning Glory Sunrise Blog, aka blah blah blog. Click the link, if you wish. It is linked to one specific blog where my younger sister has written a beautiful paragraph explaining why she picked me to be on her "Joyful Things" list.

I have trouble taking compliments, esp in person. Though I'm pretty good at self evaluation, I have yet to pin point the reason I do. When I do smile and say thank you, I must force it out. It almost doesn't feel genuine. Not that I'm not thankful, just that I have issues with that.

I'm a bit of a hard shell. Though I've changed alot through the years, after meeting Jacob I was changed so much for the better. But even with him, I have trouble fully absorbing compliments. I say thank you, and like hearing them, but its like there is a block up somewhere. Like I don't believe them.

I wouldn't ever say I have low self esteem. I think highly of myself usually. More so than I do most other ppl. But incoming compliments and gratitude freaks me out or something.

In middleschool, I use to not hug. I hated hugs, or touching. Slowly through the grades it faded a bit. But took awhile before I became a "hugger". In fact, alot of changes were forced, I made myself go past my comfort levels. Then eventully they became "normal".

People who meet me now might think me a mix of things, but one is usually friendly, warm or sweet. I'm sure not all are in that direction. lol. I expect spicy, stubborn or sassy might also be some. My point is, that who I am not is an evolution of who I was. I evolved through many life experiances and challenges into who I am. I'm not saying I have not always had a pleasent part to me, just that the levels have varied through the years.

baby = less pleasent i hear, cried, picky
child = nice and "sweet" cute and creative but troublesome ADD and wiggly
preteen = mean angry begining stages of rebellion disrespect authority ADD Bi-po
teen = friendlier, curious, opening up SOME, rebellious, tempermental, flighty, ADD Bi-po
young adult = astranged, wayword, jaded, rebellious, hopeful, dreamer, regretful, less ADD very bi-po
later twenties = regretful, humbled, redesigned, strong, motivated, accomplishing, happier, more loving, fate and karma believing, IN LOVE, mid ADD, disappearing reappearing bi-po (hormones seem to effect it)

I always found it odd if one of my mothers friends/coworkers or relatives described me as any version of the word "warm". Or when Tina's friends called me "sweet". BUT that goes back to the "don't handle compliments well" thing.

I'm working on it. But in the mean time. Loved the things monkey wrote in hers. Oh, um, Becca/. Becca = Monkey.

wow, I ranted quite a bit. SORRY!

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