These are just a few shots of Jacobs birthday present and dinner this year... MEDIEVAL TIMES. It was really fun and I would def recommend going some time! We had a blast, I only wish I coulda bought more loot than I did.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
Love and Fur
My husband is a great guy. Not just for the way he makes me laugh, likes buying me pretty things, always want to be around me and involved with my life and family, is so protective of me, cuddley, happy or even how cute he is. He is alot of fun and the best bestie I ever had. We just connect, like a string is attached to both of us. And youde swear his hugs could fix anything. But the best part is not all these wonderful things......
One of the super great things about him is not shown in how he loves me, but in how he loves our fur kids. He is the best fur dad. So loving, spoiling, tolerant and protective. He has a way with animals just as I do. Our fur kids are lucky duckies!
How a person treats animals says ALOT for their character.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Darkness is the last choice of a healthy mind,
And love is the first choice of a strong heart,
We are all seekers,
We are all servers,
Beating with existence,
Racing blood and the vanity of flesh,
Awashed in tears and sweating purpose,
The call of protocol,
A condition of the risen sun,
Inescapable and not,
Always in part we require the clouds,
Laughter and freedom in the air,
Under the moon our eyes become widened,
Though forgiveness we have found in our beds,
Dancing is encoded within us,
Misty eyed movements singing songs of our ancestry,
Forward trapped in travel,
This music encompasses each body as one,
One light can thrust forward through the night in many directions,
As do we.
The slowest sweetest waltz is ours,
Indeed it is ours,
And ours is the creation of thought,
Our life became a stroll amungst a canvas unpainted,
Our walks are in dreams bathed in daylight
Dripping in the colors of whispered intentions,
We have painted the very place we live,
Artists we were born,
Though beauty is held in the clouds,
A star to be reached,
Our very bones the science,
Our very breath is hope,
The spirit lives in a house of needs,
Eternally restless in its hunger,
The hunger ...
Burning blistering breeding,
In our mind like its own animal,
It is faceless,
So its name is unknowable,
Our heart may be its Lord or its foe,
Starving for everything,
Yet we reach for nothing,
In our desperation to become,
We have not.
What is this?
It is as we are.
By Lani D.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Let us start from the beginning, the very best place to start.
*First I should state that my family (and maybe 2 friends) are saints for putting up with me. I caused quite a lot of trouble. (not really on purpose). My mother probably went through the most. Her and daddy had a whole other set of problems they were dealing with that I unintentionally added to. I love them both. RIP Daddy!
I was born with half of my left arm. There is some debate as to how it occurred, but I settle on the umbilical cord theory. It wrapped around and kept it from growing. I was a fussy baby, finicky eater from the start. Got sick a lot. SEVERLY once when I ate bad berries off a poinsettia.
Lets get to some more interesting stuff. Like, oh I don't know, off the top of my head...
I saw ghosts growing up.
If they can so be called that. I saw various phenomena. Some of which I was not the only party involved in witnessing. Most of it does not stick to my memory as overly frightening, only a few things. I do not think attempting to describe them would really capture the happenings well enough for readers to grasp my fear, so I will leave that alone.
Next, I have been ADD and Bipolar for as long as I can recall. Add sugar and red dyes to see that intensified. consequently, my favorite drink as a child was Hawaiian Punch.
I was often perceived as a "misbehaving child". Though I think it was only because people did not know how to see me.
I was spanked everyday of kindergarten. I came home with pink slips so often from teachers who did not get me, that my dad settled on I was a bad kid who needed setting straight. The spankings eventually had no affect on me. I became bolder, more outspoken towards adults. Standing up for myself.
I think things out to much. In my head. I never trusted adults, because even as a young child I noticed that they did not agree. I noticed things not lining up, not making since. So I took what they told me with a grain of salt. A very small one.
That led to rebellion. See a pattern yet? The trained mind could guess what comes in teenage years. We can some up middle school quickly.
1. Dad diagnosed with level 3 brain tumor
2. Our house burned down, had to be rebuilt.
3. 6th grade "awkward" phase
4. I hate math, grades begin slipping
5. I was put in LD/BD classes
6. Repeated 8th in a separate school due to bad behavior.
7. I find out how much I love music
Apparently, refusing to do schoolwork or homework is the equivalent of kicking the teacher. I was labeled a bad kid. But I struggled to understand math, and teachers do not really like it when you ask questions. So I gave up all together.
I am sure I skipped oh so many good stories on the way here. And I will prob keep skipping good stuff since I am trying to shorten this.
Well, keep in mind that at this point, I was nobodies favorite child. My mom was having trouble dealing with me, my father too. Dad having his tumor still, it resulted in many violent outbursts of anger. Mother being overly strict and very religious, saw me as a battle she was fighting more than a child with problems. So all adults were basically yelling at me. Save for one, my psychologist Dr. Martin. Who, in suggesting my mother try a different outlook, upset my mother so much (she is very defensive) that I was not allowed to go back to him.
But I was allowed to take pills. I can not recall all the kinds my new doc tried on me, but it was a lot. Most did not help quite enough. Or I got side effects from them I couldn't handle.
MEANWHILE IN TEEN LAND:
I decided I loved rock music! I liked dying my hair every color I wished it was as a kid, and dressing in cute cloths. I was a "floater". A kid with interests and friends from various groups who "floated" from table to table at lunch. I excelled in Drama class, but I was still failing all things MATH.
I wanted to try new things. Black lipstick, driving fast in friends cars, meeting band boys, swimming and tanning. I loved malls, changing styles, catalogs, magazines, music, and fun. I liked flirting and playing. I had, on and off, messed with cigarettes since 6th grade. I mean, Daddy smoked. He seemed to enjoy it. So I was a smoker in high school. Though it was challenging to get them.
Drugs of coarse were introduced. You can not expect to hang out with "fun kids" and not have that pop up somewhere. Well, despite being at the adults anti drug rallies and the lame propaganda videos, I tried them. My distrust of adults, and growing dislike of them, did help push me there.
Skipping to runaway.... I did run away once. Details of the misunderstanding that scared me into not wanting to go home are not important. Long story short, I stayed (unknowingly) with an ex con, or two. I was out of my territory here, over my head. After a while of the cops on these guys tails, they had to let me go. They were druggies and could not have me risking them getting caught. Probably a godsend. I got back home. Safe enough.
I dropped out of school. I refused to fight with teachers and continue struggling with a subject that no one cared to take the time to work with me. Though they sure had time to fuss at me for it. I was getting in trouble to often, skipping, it was a mess. I was tired of the other teens anyway. DRAMA. Little silly drama.
My poor choice in certain friends however, kept me center stage in big drama. We can skip some of those interesting little embarrassingly dumb moments though.
Well, my pursuit of band boys had not stopped since it began. I sought out band guys. I met one that I now refer to as "The Devil". I was stuck in his clutches for years. I do not believe I ever really wanted to be there. Thinking on it now its like "How did that ever even happen?". I think the promise of "fun" kept me in. Parties, band gigs and practices, and being surrounded by fun attractive band guys. Drugs and alcohol were the chains that really imprisoned me there. Well, and a violent temper.
I broke free! against all odds, I did. I wanted to for years but was not able to. Then one day BOOM. Like a switch in my head, I just woke up and left. I got clean, still smoked. I walked daily with my little sister Rebecca. My family had to deal with me getting clean.
I got a job 3 to 4 days of working a week. It was nice getting out and meeting new people. I went to bar with them on the weekend, which in time just proved that I was not at all ready for bars and buddies. That went a tad messy.
Skipping some of that, lets move forward. To Jacob! My saving grace. He was not particularly religious, or anything like that. Just a sweet "good boy". Just what I needed.
A best friend, stern enough to aid me in quitting smoking, sweet enough to deal with my panic attacks and crazy in the process. We became inseparable. In many ways, he was like me. Just without all the insanity in his life. He walked a straighter path there.
But, the life we live does not make us who we are at our core. It merely builds character traits and strengths in overcoming.
WHO AM I, AT MY CORE?
Here is a list, of all things LANI:
- cartoons, cartoons, cartoons. new and old
- bright colors, glitter and sparkles
- crazy, sexy and cool (lotta crazy, lol)
- music of various kinds (electro, dance, alternative, rock, 80s, 90s, 70s, 50s, blues, etc)
- fuzzy creatures (there is a reason they call me ellie may clampet)
- strangers, I love complimenting and talking to strangers
- good friends
- video games, board games, card games, outdoor games
- hating politians and mild conspiracy theorist
- varying artistic mind but fleeting swiftly rotating interests
- star trek and star wars (called a trekkie, though not techn one)
- trying new thing (more with acts than food)
- movies! ESP SCI-FI, action DISNEY, suspense, etc
- paranormal stuff
- warm fuzzy thoughts
- being goofy I LOVE LAUGHING AND PPL WHO MAKE ME LAUGH ROCK
- I still like shopping
- I enjoy baking, kinda always wanted to own bakery
- I am not "type A". I don't like people taking little things too seriously
- I have a temper like the hulk
- I am a spoiler, big time.
- I am a cuddler and attention seeker
- I have a short fuse with women and bosses
- I retain lyrics fairly well, and will sing to songs I know
- I sing okay. not bad not great
- I like animals better than some people
- If you do not like animals, I can never really like you
- I still want to color and do go to toy isles and play.
- I love beef
- I hate veggies
- yes I do still drink. 1 or 2 drinks, once a blue moon.
- I am gluten intolerant but cant stop eating it
- I love baking the most
- yes I can cook well
- I love water, but hate getting my face wet
- I am not fond of children, but they are me
- my attention span still sucks, I am still forgetful too
- I read ALOT OF MISC FACTS MOST DAYS OF THE WEEK
- I am more religious now than I was before
- I still love dying my hair
- I like some girly things
- I still suffer from insomnia issues
- I like watching most things fiction, but with paranormal I like watching realistic true story stuff.
- I would rather have few good quality friends than tons of crappy ones
- I want to be rich.
- I love my family.
- Life is good
I guess that's enough for now.
At my core, I think little things like that sum up my personality more than my life has.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
People who are honestly happy, are happy when your happy. People who are not happy do not seem to want others happy either. Make certain that those you spend time with are happy, and honestly so. Fake smiles can not hide discouraging words. Negativity is like the flu. Do not let yourself catch it. Surround yourself in sunlight, and you shall never know darkness. Surround yourself in darkness, and you shall never know the beauty of the world. Or in life. Know who around you is a smile MAKER or a smile TAKER.
I have seen people have their lives thrown completely off track, simply due to a friend or family member who was feeding them darkness they were unable to sense. Like a rain dance, every time that friend was around the once sunny skies in their lives were filled with storms and saddness. Breeding suspicion, drama, mistrust, loss of faith or hope simply do to a source the person could not see for themselves. Semms these types are great at hiding in our BLIND SPOT.
One our hearts create, out of our feelings for the person. You can not see darkness in a blind spot. Years I wasted of my life from this. So many people, negative darkness bringers, hid in that spot. It spun my life out of control and ruined many years of life. But they say, if you learned something from it, its not wasted. And I have.
Watch out for the company you keep. Friends, family, I don't care. If it "offends you" cut it off. If you had a finger, that had a severe infection, one you could not stop, cut if off to save the rest of you. This means if you have someone you can not save from unhappiness or negativity, let them go.
Do not crash and burn your life trying to save them. Ever see the movie WHAT DREAMS MAY COME? Well, they warned him, do to the extreme sadness of her case, that usually her types brought his types to thier "reality" rather than being saved. Now, he was barely able to bring her out, but it was a one in a billions sort of thing. Also it was a movie. The truth to be taken from it though, and even spoken in the bible, is undeniable. You must not risk your life, heart, soul, personality or happiness on someone who will bring you down. Everyone wants to think their case is the Robbin Williams one. They can do it. And I'm not saying no one ever should help anyone. But help if your helping, nothing more. Achieve the understanding that your postition should be that of a mentor, a counseler, not a companion. Do not open your mind up to them, or the poison, virus, the darkness could seep in. Always seek out the sunlight.
Always see the beauty, the blessings. Do this alone. Do not need others to help you, or you are not truly seeing anything. Its theirs, not yours. Be happy alone, before you are happy together. Be strong alone, form opinions alone, be yourself alone. Who you are alone, is who you are. So if your unhappy alone, and happy with others. Take time for yourself to seek out your own happiness so you will not taint the happiness of others, so you are not the leech. So you will not become their darkness.
Also, so you know true happiness. Contentment. Understand that happiness is uniquely experienced by each. Do not expect certain events to trigger it, or specific reactions from it. Do not try to buy it or find it under a rug, book cover or therapy session. Do not expect to much of it. And once you find a small amount, cling to the feeling, not the cause. You have the power in you to recreate that feeling. Once you find yourself happy, watch out for times you notice your not. Examine who is there, what is said. Do not always expect the answer to be obvious or easy. It might take some digging. But once you find your true poison, cut it out.
Now for married folks....NO. Divorce is never the first option. Do not be one of those kinds of people. Great things take great work. Try counseling. Try what you can, then try some more. If you feel you have no other coice, then I guess go for it. And single ppl, do NOT just jump into marriage! Its not a game. Its not a silly paper, or ceremony. Its not playing house, or a test drive. Take it seriously.
Take life seriously. but love it, and bask in its beauty. Ban clouds from your sky. You need that light, your soul needs that light. And you must have it first if you are to spread it to others.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sensless violence. I would say "The only positive from this is he took his evil out of this world by killing himself". But, I do not like death. Even if he did "deserve" it. I feel its not my place to say that, or enjoy it.
So many families were torn apart. So many lives were crushed. Its all so heavy. Why? Why would someone do such a thing? It is a mystery what drove him to do all this. But killing children, your mother, brother, innocent teachers trying to protect their students, and then yourself? That suggests to me a tortured soul. Deeply disturbed and deeply unhappy. And, had it been he only killed himself, I'd feel bad for him. But due to him killing so many innocents.... its very hard to.
Lets remember the victims, the families and the brave teachers.