Friday, January 31, 2014

Getting To Know Me

Let us start from the beginning, the very best place to start.

*First I should state that my family (and maybe 2 friends) are saints for putting up with me. I caused quite a lot of trouble. (not really on purpose). My mother probably went through the most. Her and daddy had a whole other set of problems they were dealing with that I unintentionally added to. I love them both. RIP  Daddy!

I was born with half of my left arm. There is some debate as to how it occurred, but I settle on the umbilical cord theory. It wrapped around and kept it from growing. I was a fussy baby, finicky eater from the start. Got sick a lot. SEVERLY once when I ate bad berries off a poinsettia.
Lets get to some more interesting stuff. Like, oh I don't know, off the top of my head...
I saw ghosts growing up.

If they can so be called that. I saw various phenomena. Some of which I was not the only party involved in witnessing. Most of it does not stick to my memory as overly frightening, only a few things. I do not think attempting to describe them would really capture the happenings well enough for readers to grasp my fear, so I will leave that alone.
Next, I have been ADD and Bipolar for as long as I can recall. Add sugar and red dyes to see that intensified. consequently, my favorite drink as a child was Hawaiian Punch.
I was often perceived as a "misbehaving child". Though I think it was only because people did not know how to see me.

I was spanked everyday of kindergarten. I came home with pink slips so often from teachers who did not get me, that my dad settled on I was a bad kid who needed setting straight. The spankings eventually had no affect on me. I became bolder, more outspoken towards adults. Standing up for myself.
I think things out to much. In my head. I never trusted adults, because even as a young child I noticed that they did not agree. I noticed things not lining up, not making since. So I took what they told me with a grain of salt. A very small one.
That led to rebellion. See a pattern yet? The trained mind could guess what comes in teenage years. We can some up middle school quickly.
1. Dad diagnosed with level 3 brain tumor
2. Our house burned down, had to be rebuilt.
3. 6th  grade "awkward" phase
4. I hate math, grades begin slipping
5. I was put in LD/BD classes
6. Repeated 8th in a separate school due to bad behavior.
7. I find out how much I love music
Apparently, refusing to do schoolwork or homework is the equivalent of kicking the teacher. I was labeled a bad kid. But I struggled to understand math, and teachers do not really like it when you ask questions. So I gave up all together. 

I am sure I skipped oh so many good stories on the way here. And I will prob keep skipping good stuff since I am trying to shorten this.
Well, keep in mind that at this point, I was nobodies favorite child. My mom was having trouble dealing with me, my father too. Dad having his tumor still, it resulted in many violent outbursts of anger. Mother being overly strict and very religious, saw me as a battle she was fighting more than a child with problems. So all adults were basically yelling at me. Save for one, my psychologist Dr. Martin. Who, in suggesting my mother try a different outlook, upset my mother so much (she is very defensive) that I was not allowed to go back to him.
But I was allowed to take pills. I can not recall all the kinds my new doc tried on me, but it was a lot. Most did not help quite enough. Or I got side effects from them I couldn't handle.

I decided I loved rock music! I liked dying my hair every color I wished it was as a kid, and dressing in cute cloths. I was a "floater". A kid with interests and friends from various groups who "floated" from table to table at lunch. I excelled in Drama class, but I was still failing all things MATH.
I wanted to try new things. Black lipstick, driving fast in friends cars, meeting band boys, swimming and tanning. I loved malls, changing styles, catalogs, magazines, music, and fun. I liked flirting and playing. I had, on and off, messed with cigarettes since 6th grade.  I mean, Daddy smoked. He seemed to enjoy it. So I was a smoker in high school. Though it was challenging to get them.
Drugs of coarse were introduced. You can not expect to hang out with "fun kids" and not have that pop up somewhere. Well, despite being at the adults anti drug rallies and the lame propaganda videos, I tried them. My distrust of adults, and growing dislike of them, did help push me there.

Skipping to runaway.... I did run away once. Details of the misunderstanding that scared me into not wanting to go home are not important. Long story short, I stayed (unknowingly) with an ex con, or two. I was out of my territory here, over my head. After a while of the cops on these guys tails, they had to let me go. They were druggies and could not have me risking them getting caught. Probably a godsend. I got back home. Safe enough.
I dropped out of school. I refused to fight with teachers and continue struggling with a subject that no one cared to take the time to work with me. Though they sure had time to fuss at me for it.  I was getting in trouble to often, skipping, it was a mess. I was tired of the other teens anyway. DRAMA. Little silly drama.
My poor choice in certain friends however, kept me center stage in big drama. We can skip some of those interesting little embarrassingly dumb moments though.
Well, my pursuit of band boys had not stopped since it began. I sought out band guys. I met one that I now refer to as "The Devil". I was stuck in his clutches for years. I do not believe I ever really wanted to be there. Thinking on it now its like "How did that ever even happen?". I think the promise of "fun" kept me in. Parties, band gigs and practices, and being surrounded by fun attractive band guys. Drugs and alcohol were the chains that really imprisoned me there. Well, and a violent temper.
I broke free! against all odds, I did. I wanted to for years but was not able to. Then one day BOOM. Like a switch in my head, I just woke up and left. I got clean, still smoked. I walked daily with my little sister Rebecca. My family had to deal with me getting clean.
I got a job 3 to 4 days of working a week. It was nice getting out and meeting new people. I went to bar with them on the weekend, which in time just proved that I was not at all ready for bars and buddies. That went a tad messy.
Skipping some of that, lets move forward. To Jacob! My saving grace. He was not particularly religious, or anything like that. Just a sweet "good boy". Just what I needed.

A best friend, stern enough to aid me in quitting smoking, sweet enough to deal with my panic attacks and crazy in the process. We became inseparable. In many ways, he was like me. Just without all the insanity in his life. He walked a straighter path there.

But, the life we live does not make us who we are at our core. It merely builds character traits and strengths in overcoming.

Here is a list, of all things LANI:
- cartoons, cartoons, cartoons. new and old
- bright colors, glitter and sparkles
- crazy, sexy and cool (lotta crazy, lol)
- music of various kinds (electro, dance, alternative, rock, 80s, 90s, 70s, 50s, blues, etc)
- fuzzy creatures (there is a reason they call me ellie may clampet) 
- strangers, I love complimenting and talking to strangers
- good friends
- video games, board games, card games, outdoor games
- hating politians and mild conspiracy theorist
- varying artistic mind but fleeting swiftly rotating interests
- star trek and star wars (called a trekkie, though not techn one)
- trying new thing (more with acts than food)
- movies! ESP SCI-FI, action DISNEY, suspense, etc
- paranormal stuff
- warm fuzzy thoughts
- I still like shopping
- I enjoy baking, kinda always wanted to own bakery
- I am not "type A". I don't like people taking little things too seriously
- I have a temper like the hulk
- I am a spoiler, big time.
- I am a cuddler and attention seeker
- I have a short fuse with women and bosses
- I retain lyrics fairly well, and will sing to songs I know
- I sing okay. not bad not great
- I like animals better than some people
- If you do not like animals, I can never really like you
- I still want to color and do go to toy isles and play.
- I love beef
- I hate veggies
- yes I do still drink. 1 or 2 drinks, once a blue moon.
- I am gluten intolerant but cant stop eating it
- I love baking the most
- yes I can cook well
- I love water, but hate getting my face wet
- I am not fond of children, but they are me
- my attention span still sucks, I am still forgetful too
- I am more religious now than I was before
- I still love dying my hair
- I like some girly things
- I still suffer from insomnia issues
- I like watching most things fiction, but with paranormal I like watching realistic true story stuff.
- I would rather have few good quality friends than tons of crappy ones
- I want to be rich.
- I love my family.
- Life is good

I guess that's enough for now.
At my core, I think little things like that sum up my personality more than my life has.

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